Another relationship question

3203 Views 7 Replies 6 Participants Last post by Kaz, Jan 18, 2005

Kaz

Discussion Starter · Jan 16, 2005

I know this is off topic, but I don't know where else to go. My wife and I have lost trust in each other. I made some bad judgment calls a long time ago and she has never gotten over them, and she lied to me about some things and doesn't seem to care. We have been in counseling, which is a long story involving an idiot shrink who gave us a lot of bad counseling and an insurance screw up that prevents us from going to the new one who was actually helping. I'm watching her start doing things (like the lying) that she would have never done a few months ago, and I'm having a major breakdown. If anyone can offer any advice as to how we can learn to trust eachother again, or do anything to help, please contact me. But please pray for my Katie and I even if you just read this and don't say anything. I love her more than life itself and just want to have a happy family.

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TPS_Phil

· #2 · Jan 16, 2005

Well Kaz I feel for you as I went through the same thing and I have two boys. It wasn't easy as I tried counseling from our pastor and it didn't seem to help. My ex-wife had anxiety and was depressed. We'll you can see what way I went, but it was decided let her go and maybe she'll see how good she had it. Needless to say the only thing she has done, since then was get help with the medical stuff. Which is a big start. My advice would be if you go to Church? Try a priest or pastor and go to church regularly as it teaches family and commitment. Some peoples job's pay for a certain amount of counseling. You both have to forget about the past and start new which is very hard. Get out and have fun and do what got you her in the first place. Rekindle the magic is what you need to do.
If it doesn't work and you end up going the way I went. Then we'll talk about that, but your not ready for that yet.
Let me Know and hopefully I helped some,

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12twist

· #3 · Jan 16, 2005

Kaz said:
But please pray for my Katie and I even if you just read this and don't say anything. I love her more than life itself and just want to have a happy family.

Since you afre a praying man, I take it my response would at least be taken seriously. Maybe you should put your trust in the Lord? Therapists, in some cases, dont do nearly as much as your community churches minister might. Perhaps you should give it a shot? I dont think it could hurt things.

EDIT: I didnt read the other response before I typed mine. I apologize, but apparently we are on the same page.

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TOPO-sniper

· #4 · Jan 17, 2005

Kaz,

You and your bride are in our prayers.

TOPO-sniper

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muzzleblast

· #5 · Jan 17, 2005

I don't know all that much about the subject matter but...

As TOPO said, I'm thinking about you two and I hope you can just start to enjoy each others company, and handle the problem on a simple basis. Love each other and be happy, try to do things co-operatively...you're a team after all. I know its much more complex than that, but at the same time its only as complex as you make it.

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Kaz

Discussion Starter · #6 · Jan 17, 2005

I just wanted to say thanks. I appreciate your concern and prayers too. We're regular Church people, she plays piano at the one next door. We haven't had a sit down with our minister about this, though he's told me he'd talk to us both; I should see if we can go ahead and do that. Thanks again to everyone who's read and prayed for us. God bless.

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K2

· #7 · Jan 17, 2005

Kaz,

My wife and I have been married for over 33 years and we still have to work at our relationship EVERY DAY to keep it solid. You are way ahead of the game in realizing that trust is the foundation of every good relationship. You have to rebuild the trust before you can rebuild the relationship. You might start by both of you laying ALL the cards on the table. Everything! You can't have a fresh start if you are still carrying secrets. Having your pastor present may help keep things focused and in perspective, but that is your choice. Listen to each other. Don't just sit there and wait for your turn to talk, really LISTEN. Forget trying to think up witty comebacks, barbed comments or dragging up previous offenses. This is not a time for pettiness and hostility. Listen to her and ask that she listen to you. Find out why each of you has arrived where you are in your relationship. Decide whether or not you can each forgive and forget if there is something that requires it. Speak from the heart, not from the head. Tell her how you feel, without defenses or expectations. Spend some quiet time in prayer before you talk with your wife. Speak to God from the heart also and ask Him to be with you. It is only through my relationship with God that I have had the courage to face the tests that life has put before me. Countless times I have put my fate in His hands, and He has never let me down. And remember this, when you find yourself asking, "God, why are you doing this to me?", it is through patience and faith that you may find He wasn't doing it TO you, but was in fact doing it FOR you. God bless you and good luck.

K2

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Kaz

Discussion Starter · #8 · Jan 18, 2005

K2, thanks for the concern. I knew from the beginning that it would be an everyday thing to keep it strong, and I've done all I can. My wife had a rough childhood to say the least, and is still dealing with fallout from that. The biggest problem is that she doesn't know how to be happy and see that things are good. She also has trouble with that listening part; she hasn't heard me telling her how her treatment of me has affected me for example. I honestly believe in my heart things can be as good as ever, but my efforts alone won't be enough. I do pray every day for help, and I don't think things like "why is God doing this to me?". I've been angry at God for some things I've been through in the past, it got me nowhere; I figured out that's not the way to be. I believe that God intended life to be a learning experience, this is problably supposed to teach me something. Thanks again for the concern and any continued prayers.

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